Understanding sibling conflicts in Neurodivergent Families

Sometimes I look around and think, how did we even get here again?

One minute my two kids are laughing so hard the neighbours can probably hear them, the next is chaos. Tears, shouting, someone storming off, the little one crying because “she took my toy!” and my daughter insisting “he screamed first!”

Sound familiar?

I used to think this was just part of sibling life and in many ways, it is.

But when you’re raising neurodivergent children, conflict comes with its own layers of sensory overload, communication struggles, impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and it all hits a little different.

My daughter has ADHD and autism. My little boy, who’s still a toddler, has big feelings, limited words, and a lot of noise to express them. So yes, in our home, sibling conflict is often a daily guest. But there’s what I’ve learned: most of the time, it’s not really about the toy, or the “he started it.” It’s about connection, or the lack of it in that moment.

What’s Really Going On Behind the Conflict

My daughter often seeks stimulation. Her brain is wired to crave movement, excitement, energy, so sometimes, she creates it. That often means teasing her brother for a reaction. Well… that’s her brain trying to meet a need.

Meanwhile, my son, who has speech delay, reacts in the only way he knows how (shouting, pushing or throwing). And here we are; two kids with completely different needs colliding at full speed.

At first, I used to jump straight into referee mode. I’d try to fix it. Separate them, explain, reason, remind. But eventually, I realised that not every conflict needs fixing right there and then.

Now, when it all kicks off, I take a breath and I know that they’re both struggling, not attacking each other. That helps me respond instead of react.

What works (or at least, what I do most days)

When the energy starts building up and I can see it coming - the noise, the teasing, the shouting. I step in early and I suggest a break: “You both need space right now.”

Not as punishment, but as a reset. Because yes, they love each other deeply, but love doesn’t stop them from being overstimulated and done with each other.

If things already escalated, I don’t focus on who’s right or wrong and I help them calm down first. Then, later, I bring them back to connection. We talk about how they felt, and how we can do better next time.

And honestly? I remind myself that this is part of being a family.

It's great to teach empathy, or help your kids to apologise, but empathy doesn’t happen instantly. Especially for neurodivergent kids.

It’s a skill that grows from being modelled and experienced, not demanded.

Conflict It’s Not Really About Each Other

There are days when my daughter is upset with me.

Maybe I said no to something she wanted, or she’s just had a long sensory day, and I she redirects that frustration to her brother. Suddenly, every little thing he does annoys her.

In those moments, I don’t deal with the “fight.” I pause. I separate her from the situation and gently go to the root of it. It’s not about him, it’s about what she’s holding inside.

So we talk. I remind her that her feelings are valid, that she can be angry, that it’s safe to say what she needs. I also remind her that her own feelings have nothing to do with her brother in that moment. Then, when she’s ready, we repair.

That’s when the real learning happens.

Behaviour Is Communication

If there’s one thing I want every parent reading this to take away, it’s this:

Behaviour is communication.

Every meltdown, shout, or slammed door, it’s all information. It tells us something about what our child is feeling, needing, or struggling to express.

The same goes for us parents. When we’re tired, overstimulated, or stretched too thin, our tone changes, our patience runs out, and we communicate that too even when we don’t mean to. It's about little mindset shift that changes everything.

I’m Still Learning

Most days, I handle it with grace and calm, and some days I don't.

I’ve learned that peace doesn’t come from stopping conflict altogether but it comes from learning how to come back together after it.

At the end of the day, I remind them both that they are loved, safe, and important to me, and to each other. We talk about respect and fairness, not as rules, but as values. And slowly, through a lot of messy, noisy, beautiful moments, they’re learning.

Thank you for reading

Parenting through sibling conflict, especially in a neurodivergent family, is not easy. But remember, you’re learning, growing, and doing your best every single day.

If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts or your own experiences. Connection is how we grow together as parents.

You can always reach me on:

Instagram: @silvia.london89

TikTok: @motherhoodnprogress

Email: thepracticalparent1@gmail.com