Parenting While Healing from Trauma: What It Looks Like Behind the Scenes

silvia palla
May 30
3 min read

Updated: Aug 6

Some parts of me were shaped in silence.

Growing up, respect meant obedience.Discipline meant fear.You didn’t speak back, even when you were hurting, confused, or trying to stand up for yourself. You stayed quiet because “talking back” was seen as disrespectful.

So I stayed quiet. And I learned to associate love with pleasing, not questioning.

Then, in adulthood, I entered a relationship that reinforced everything I was taught as a child but in more harmful, damaging ways. I lost myself again. And getting out of that took everything. But healing didn’t end when the relationship ended.

That’s when the real work started.

Because now I’m a mum. A single mum.

And those old patterns didn’t disappear - they just followed me into motherhood.

I see it in moments with my daughter - when she pushes back, speaks her mind, or challenges a decision I’ve made. That’s when I feel the old beliefs rising in me like a wave: “She’s being disrespectful.” “She’s talking back.”

But she’s not.

She's 8.

She’s neurodivergent. Strong-willed. Emotional. Expressive.

She’s trying to understand her voice, her power, her emotions.

And my job is to help her shape that voice, not shut it down.

But I’d be lying if I said it’s easy.

Sometimes she reminds me of that past relationship - the tone, the twisting, the emotional chaos. And I freeze.But she’s not that person.

She’s a child. She’s still learning. And she deserves to be guided, not feared.

I’m unlearning the version of parenting that raised me while trying to build a new one in real-time. One with more listening. More softness. More boundaries that don’t rely on shame or control.

But I’m human.

And healing from trauma isn’t some neat little process. It creeps into everything.

No one told me it would show up in my parenting.That I’d flinch at certain tones. That I’d shut down when I saw a look that felt too familiar.

Survival mode shows up when I let the TV babysit my kids - not because I don’t care, but because I don’t always have the energy to handle the noise, the moods, the endless intensity of neurodivergence and toddler life.

I give them screens... but I miss the laughter. The cuddles. The bonding.

And every day, I feel a little more of that slipping through my fingers.

It’s hard not to spiral into guilt.

Especially when other parents try to relate and say, “We’ve all been there.”But no.

We haven’t all been in survival mode 24/7.

Some of us are parenting while healing.

Some of us are reprogramming our entire nervous system just to get through the day without snapping.

What Healing Looks Like for Me Now

Healing doesn’t look like peace and patience all the time.It’s not a big spiritual glow-up. It’s smaller than that.

More fragile. More real.

It’s doing five minutes of meditation just to slow down my breathing.

It’s putting on makeup in the morning, not for anyone else, but for myself, to feel like a woman again and not just someone holding the house together.

It’s choosing movement even when I’m tired.

A short walk. Music in the kitchen. Dancing with the kids.

Stretching while the kettle boils. Little ways to come back into my body.

It’s hiring a nanny for a few hours, even if I have to juggle the budget to do it! Because I’ve learned that time off isn’t a luxury, it’s about survival. The money comes and goes, but the space to breathe? That’s priceless.

Some days I still lose it. I still feel the shame.

But now I know how to come back.To pause. To forgive myself. To reconnect.

I’m learning to parent with more softness, more honesty, and more grace.And maybe most importantly, I’m learning to give myself the same.