How to Talk So Toddlers Will Listen

Let’s be real. Most of the time when people say:

“My toddler doesn’t listen,” what they actually mean is:

“I expected them to act like a mini-adult and they didn’t.”

And listen, I get it.

Before I knew what I know now, I used to think the same.

Why can’t they just come when I call their name?

Why do I have to repeat myself ten times?

Why do they always act up when I say no?

But here’s the truth that changed everything for me:

• Toddlers aren’t ignoring you.

• They literally can’t process things the same way you do.

• Their brain is still under construction.

Let’s Talk About Toddler Brain Development

Between 0 and 3 years old, a toddler’s brain is growing faster than it ever will again.

But guess what part is last to fully develop?

The prefrontal cortex, which is the bit that helps with logic, decision making, impulse control, and managing emotions.

So what’s in charge right now?

• The emotional brain

• The sensory system

• The survival system (fight, flight, freeze)

This means your toddler reacts first with feelings and instincts, not thoughts.

That’s why they scream when frustrated, hit when angry, and throw themselves on the floor when they hear “no.” They’re not trying to manipulate. They literally can’t regulate yet.

What about communication?

Toddlers have receptive language (what they understand) that’s often ahead of their expressive language (what they can say).

So they might understand you but not have the words to say what they feel.

That’s why they get frustrated easily, they cry more often, they might bite, hit, or scream instead of saying “I’m overwhelmed”

When we meet them where they are developmentally, everything gets easier.

It’s not about letting them “get away” with bad behaviour.

It’s about communicating in a way their brain can process.

Stop Expecting Adult Responses From Baby Brains

Toddlers are brand new humans.

They’ve been on this planet for a couple of years, and we’re out here expecting them to know what’s “appropriate” or “reasonable.”

But even adults lose it. Even adults can’t handle transitions.

Now imagine being 2 years old, having no real words for what you feel, and someone is constantly telling you:

“No.”

“Stop.”

“Hurry up.”

“You’re being silly.”

“Why are you crying?”

It’s a lot.

And it creates stress. And stress creates survival behaviour, not calm listening.

So How Do We Talk To Toddlers So They Actually Listen?

This is where it gets good. Here’s what I’ve learned as a childcare professional and as a mum who’s still in the trenches:

1. Get close. Say less.

Instead of shouting across the room, get down to their level, look them in the eyes, and say one clear instruction at a time.

Instead of: “Come here, I’ve told you three times already, we’re late!”

Try: “Shoes on. Time to go.”

*And here’s one extra tip:

Pause whatever you're doing, take a breath (yes, even when you’re running late), and help them with the transition from what they were doing to putting on their shoes.

Give them a warning and make it playful and say: “Let’s see which foot gets a shoe first!”

Because rushing with frustration only makes the whole thing longer.

Your calm presence is what helps them follow through.

2. Name what’s happening.

They’re still learning language so label the moment with short, simple words:

“You’re busy!”

“We have to stop soon.” (Using a visual timer helps a lot!)

“You didn’t like that. That made you upset”

3. Use positive language.

Instead of always saying what not to do, tell them what to do.

Instead of: “Stop running!” → say: “Walking feet.”

Instead of: “Don’t throw!” → say: “Let’s put it down gently.”

*Redirection tip:

Throwing isn’t bad behaviour and it’s a totally normal part of toddler development.

They’re exploring gravity, cause and effect, and how their body works.

Redirect the action to something safe and allowed.

You can say: "Let's throw the ball instead!" or "Let's throw the socks in the basket!"

You’re still holding the boundary but in a way their brain can actually process.

4. Give warnings and choices.

Transitions are tough for toddlers.

When they’re fully immersed in what they’re doing, and suddenly you say:“Time to go!”

That feels like a shock to their system.

Give them a heads-up and offer simple choices when possible so you can help them prepare.

You could say:

“Five more minutes, then we clean up.”

“Do you want to hold my hand or go in the buggy?” or “Red cup or blue cup?”

It gives them a sense of control within your limits.

*And here's a game-changer: 

Use a visual timer (like a sand timer or a countdown clock).

Toddlers don’t have a real concept of time yet and they don’t know what five minutes feels like. They’re not impatient. Their brain simply just can’t measure time the way yours can.

A visual timer helps them see time passing, and makes transitions feel safer and more predictable.

Behaviour Is Communication

If your toddler hits, screams, bites, or throws a tantrum…they’re not “being naughty.”

They’re communicating something.

They’re tired.

They’re hungry.

They’re overwhelmed.

They’re not getting enough connection.

They don’t know how to say what they need.

*Before you jump to fix it, pause.

Take a moment to regulate yourself first. You can’t pour calm into a storm if you’re still in one.

Toddlers don’t always need a lesson or a solution in the moment.

They just need a safe space to feel.

They need time, your calm presence, and no pressure to “get over it” quickly.

Once the wave of emotion passes, that’s when your support helps them make sense of what happened.

When we see behaviour this way, everything shifts.

You’re Responsible for the Emotional Environment

This one stings a bit, but I say it with love:

We can’t expect toddlers to know how to regulate emotions we were never taught to regulate ourselves.

We are the model.

We are the calm they need to co-regulate with.

We are THE safe space when their little world falls apart.

And it starts with changing the way we speak, and changing what we expect from them.

*And here’s something I’ve learned the hard way:

If you want to see a shift in your parenting, you have to do the inner work too.

That doesn’t mean being perfect.

It means getting honest with yourself. Looking at your own triggers.

Unpacking the beliefs you grew up with, especially around discipline, control, and emotions.

Because healing you is what helps you show up differently for them.

Final Thoughts

Toddlers don’t need harsh words.

They don’t need long lectures.

They need connection.

They need clear language.

They need simple expectations.

They need parents who understand they’re still figuring it all out.

They’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.

And as always, thank you for reading 💛

→ DM me on Instagram: @silvia.london89

→ Or email me: thepracticalparent1@gmail.com

You’ve got this. One toddler storm at a time.